MEANING

Here is the world.  

Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  

Don't be afraid.  

~Frederick Buechner

Flowers never last very long when my husband brings them home.  It's sad, really, that they bloom, get chopped, sunk in a vase with minimal rations of food and water, and wait to die.  The flowers he brought me the other day he got for free, which made me like them even more being that they were roses, but still, no matter what the price, the fact that they are so beautiful and yet spend very little time here has me wondering: Why?

What is the purpose of creating something so delicate and pretty and pleasing and giving it little chance to do the job it was made to do?  In this case, that would be sit on my table and get my husband bonus points, but I'm not just talking flowers here.  I'm talking about everything.

I could sit here all day and babble about how I am a religious person, and I do believe there is a reason and a purpose and a plan.  And don't get me wrong, I'm not disagreeing with or mistrusting or questioning Him.  I'm just trying to sort it out for myself because some days, even the belief and knowledge of a greater plan just isn't enough of a comfort.  

Some days, it's just too much to bear that you have to be one of those people who has to hear, "I'm so sorry, God has a plan," when you have no idea what that plan is and it doesn't make your pain any less.  I'm thinking of a sweet person I know of who on this very day should be opening cards of congratulations and will most certainly have to open cards that say these other, more sad things.  Cards that tell her there is a reason.  That there was meaning to all of this.  

And maybe that's true.  And these people who give her these cards mean well.  But they only serve as a reminder of what she has endured and planned for and now has been so tragically sucked away without explanation.  And yet, she still has to open them, and read them, and say thank you, just the same as she would have done had this been a joyous day instead of a sad one.

When they said, the show must go on, they never told you that it might go on when all you wanted to do was rewind and pause, for basically like, ever.  She's living the show and I doubt she ever anticipated this twist in the plot, and I'm just partially viewing it and it's scaring the Hell out of me.  I feel like I should have watched with my fingers partially covering my eyes and the blanket pulled up to my chin, and I'm worried I may have a nightmare when I fall asleep later.  But short-lived beauty should not evoke fear.  Loss, in itself, should not evoke fear.  Because although it happens, and it is heart breaking, there is still beauty in our lives, some of it left by those who are no longer here.

So I'm just trying to figure out for myself why something, someone, so precious and full of promise and beauty would be given to us for just a moment and then taken.  Because even though I have Faith, I sure don't understand and I sure can't deal with it, and I'm not even the person going through it.

And yet, it is so easy to be thankful for that moment of beauty, because even those little moments are good and sweet and enjoyable.  

I don't think I've figured much out this afternoon, but I have decided that whether or not I know "The Plan," I still think the world is a much better place when someone else is in charge, and the best I can do is to pray for peace for this person, and hope that though today is sad, there is still plenty of beauty in her life.   

And that her Faith will help her see it.

THORN

I'm sure we have all heard the expression that someone is being a "thorn in your side."

Most people have a least one day a year when they are not at their best, and no matter how much you love them, you feel like you just got poked right under your ribs sharply by their actions or words.

And then there are those people who lead their daily lives in such a way that you wonder if there even is a rose at all.  But there is.  You just have to look for it.  Even if it is in the form of something like a day when they leave you alone.  At least they did that for you.

We tend to think of people, situations, actions as either "good" or "bad" but I am starting to see that sometimes, there is a sneaky thorn intentionally included in the bouquet of roses someone gives me, and also that where I only see thorns, a rose can be hiding because to be seen would make it vulnerable.

I'm also learning that while I'm almost always wanting to brighten some one's day just as a rose would, sometimes I'm unintentionally prickly.  Just because you don't want to bother someone doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

Take my son Landon, who is just shy of three.  He is not feeling so well, and he still needs assistance getting his clothes on and off when he goes potty.  Yesterday he repeatedly interrupted me with a loud, "I GOTTA GO POTTY!" and I knew, if I don't go now, I'll have a mess on my hands.  He wasn't trying to ruin my day, or to get on my nerves.  That is the thorn in the rose of potty training.  It's not he's not in diapers, but not nearly as convenient. 

I could have gotten frustrated, or angry, or put a diaper on him.  None of these things would have made me feel any better.  I simply had a daydream about a whole day where I do what I want and on my schedule, and then enjoyed watching a television show that did not try to teach me the alphabet.  Problem solved and I felt much better.

I think sometimes in life you just have to take the bad with the good, and realize that every rose has its thorn, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful.

NOTHING

"I mused for a few moments on the question of which was worse, to lead a life so boring that you are easily enchanted, or a life so full of stimulus that you are easily bored." -Bill Bryson

Wanted: information leading to the full explanation of where the dates of June 6 through June 13 have gone, and why I have no recollection of them.  Reward in the form of either a cup of coffee or if you prefer I can fully avoid you in order to prevent you from procuring this horrible head cold that seems to have infested everything in my house including the leftovers in the refrigerator.


I feel like I have these little spurts of days jammed packed with things to get done and places to go, and then spurts of nowhere to go but bed.


I'm sure during them both I complain of either my abundance of unwanted free time, or alternatively my lack thereof. 


I'm trying to discover a way in which I can have both.  I want a day where I'm doing nothing, meaning I do what I want to do and only what I want to do.  I don't just sit at home cleaning, but I lolly-gag and pretend I don't have adult things to do or people to answer to.  And so, I give you, my list of nothings I would do if I had 24 hours in which to do them.  Realistically, most or none of them will ever happen without someone needing my assistance at the potty or help finding the other sock, but hey, a girl can dream.


Walk in the woods with my kids and show them what Mother Nature keeps in her purse.
See a minimum of three current movies, all in a row, without ever leaving the theater.
Grocery shop for more than two days at a time.
Read a book recommended by one of my high school English teachers, start to finish.
Watch as many episodes of Throwdown with Bobby Flay that I can find in my OnDemand selections.
Spend the whole day at the spa.

And, finally, I would take the most epic nap known to man.

Please don't misunderstand my intentions here.  I love my family, and I love what I do every day.  What I'm searching for is a balance that will probably never happen, between structured adult social life, career (even if it is part time), bed time stories, and finding a way to get those giggles I cherish in as many days as possible.

And I don't even need a whole day of nothing, just a mere fifteen minutes would be enough to refresh me for at least a week.  Kind of funny, isn't it...I am racking my brain trying to figure out what all I did that had me so busy the past week and I got nothing.  Just a blur.  I need to figure out what nothings I want in my life: the ones I can't remember or the ones I'll never forget.

ALMOST

This egg almost made it.

The delicate little being inside almost grew into a baby bird, and almost hatched.

But then something knocked it from the nest is rested in, and that was it. 

There is no going back.  You can't uncrack a shell, and you can't unscramble an egg.

(No, I've never tried, but it sounds so absurd I don't plan to.)

I'm thinking that maybe there are a few things when almost counts.  Like, I almost got all of my laundry put away, or I almost made it to the bathroom before puking the other day.  Similarly, I am certain that some day Hanson will say, "Mommy, I'm almost as tall as Landon," and I will undoubtedly acknowledge that almost counts.

But in major things, almost doesn't count.  You either make it or you don't.  And it's the same with the bad stuff...it either happens, or you say, "I almost crashed my car" or "I almost forgot my purse."  It doesn't really count because it didn't happen, and you forget about it.

Nobody goes around bragging about the "almosts" because of this.  You don't hear someone say, "I almost beat cancer."  Or, "I almost didn't give birth to a stillborn."  Because these "almosts" of life cannot be controlled.  They are no one's fault, they are usually tragedies that are unfair and random and without explanation or logic. 

And because you can't really undo an almost.  You can't come back to life, you can't go back seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, whatever it takes to turn the almost into an actuality. 

Which is why I try to enjoy every moment I can and smile even when it seems I have no reason.  Because I know that somewhere out there, someone is dealing with an almost that is unbearable.  I've got no right to complain.  I'm going to do what I can while I can.

I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 80 saying things like,

"I almost had a water balloon fight with my kids once."

or

"I almost saw a shooting star with my husband one night."

or

"I almost wrote a book."

or

"I almost lived a full fun loving life."

In my life, in my opinion, almost is just sad and empty and not darn good enough when it comes to things I can control.  I know there is bad in this world, and tragic things happen to good people every day, and if you ask them if almost counts, I don't think they'd say yes.  I think they would tell you that they would give anything to not have to deal with almost.  Nobody goes that far, gets that close, to just throw it away intentionally.  Doing that with my time and my life would be even worse. 

I refuse to almost live, almost love, almost laugh.

ALTER

Some friends of ours are getting married today.  Actually, I don't know for sure if I have ever met the groom or not...but I'm sure he's a good guy because I have a feeling the bride knows a bad guy from a good guy.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how people say, "Meet me at the altar" when referencing marriage.  Altar and alter are definitely two different words.  However, when I think of them in terms of a wedding, they can kind of mean the same thing in my opinion.  An altar is described as a place where some sort of sacrament or ceremony takes place.  I would say that the point at which two people exchange vows to forever love, cherish, and be there for each other is also the point at which their lives forever become different. 

It does not matter what the status of their relationship was up until that point.  Whether or not they have kids, or live together, or are just meeting for that day, the act of making a vow before God, their family and friends, and each other, will change things in at least some way. 

It may be that two people are so woven into each others lives already that the marriage only makes things legal and entitles them to insurance benefits and a name change.

It may be that two people will know each other on a whole new level, including intimacy, after that ceremony.

These days, just about anything goes, but a wedding is always cause for celebration.  There is never enough love in this world, so when you're invited to encourage it you just can't help but be happy for them.

I have heard so many people say that things change for the worse after marriage.  Most of this was things other guys said to my husband before we got married, or things guys say to other guys when they are getting married.  I don't know why there is such a negative view on marriage, but I think things have only gotten better.  Sure, things will stress you out and sometimes you wonder what in the world you got yourself into.  But I had those days when I wasn't married.  And marriage is not a promise of a perfect life.  It's a promise that no matter how bad life gets you'll have someone there with you.

So if you're considering heading to the altar, please know that it will alter your life, but that doesn't mean in a bad way.  Life just gets better. 

And so, to Alyssa and Jerry, I offer this:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon the fields.

May the light of friendship guide your paths together.
May the laughter of children grace the halls of your home.
May the joy of living for one another
trip a smile from your lips, a twinkle from your eye.

And when eternity beckons,
at the end of a life heaped high with love,
May the good Lord embrace you
with the arms that have nurtured you
the whole length of your joy-filled days.

May the gracious God hold you both
in the palm of His hands.
And, today, may the Spirit of Love
find a dwelling place in your hearts.

Amen.

CAUGHT

This morning I caught my almost three year old son about to jump from his race car bed to a nearby wooden chair in his bedroom.  I'm not quite sure how he thought this was going to work out for him, but I quickly scolded him with threats of taking toys away and standing in the corner if he ever attempted this again.  It may have worked for today, but I'm sure they will be another equally appealing not-so-great idea around the corner.  And, while he might not think so at the time, hopefully one day he will appreciate the fact that he got caught.

I sure feel that way sometimes.  I feel like I'm just going about my day, swimming along, looking for something to eat, and someone just yanks me by the mouth out of the water and I'm left flopping around on the deck of the boat until they get bored with me and throw me back in.

I used to feel frustrated and angry when things didn't go as I'd planned.  I have an idea and can't make it happen or plans fall through and you just feel irritated.  And this morning in the midst of my son's attempted acrobatics, I realized something.....

What if maybe, just maybe, I was yanked out of the water before something REALLY BAD was about to happen?

Like what if a bigger, faster, stronger, smarter fish is about to swallow me whole?

And I'm pulled to safety just before he reaches me.

What if every time I've had a genius plot and it's been foiled, it has been to my benefit, only I'll never really know because I don't see what horrors might have happened instead of my minor inconvenience?

I never really thought of life this way until I realized just how close my son came to breaking some unknown bone this morning.  Thank goodness I caught him, and thank goodness I didn't miss the lesson.

So I'm going to think of "getting caught" in a different way now.  I mean, if you ever found yourself in the air, free falling towards certain destruction of some kind, wouldn't you want to be caught by someone before you have a chance to crash into the ground?

Instead of feeling like I've been hooked, maybe I'll think of it as someone throwing a safety net under me.

And maybe then I'll stop feeling like a fish out of water when things don't go my way.