ALMOST

This egg almost made it.

The delicate little being inside almost grew into a baby bird, and almost hatched.

But then something knocked it from the nest is rested in, and that was it. 

There is no going back.  You can't uncrack a shell, and you can't unscramble an egg.

(No, I've never tried, but it sounds so absurd I don't plan to.)

I'm thinking that maybe there are a few things when almost counts.  Like, I almost got all of my laundry put away, or I almost made it to the bathroom before puking the other day.  Similarly, I am certain that some day Hanson will say, "Mommy, I'm almost as tall as Landon," and I will undoubtedly acknowledge that almost counts.

But in major things, almost doesn't count.  You either make it or you don't.  And it's the same with the bad stuff...it either happens, or you say, "I almost crashed my car" or "I almost forgot my purse."  It doesn't really count because it didn't happen, and you forget about it.

Nobody goes around bragging about the "almosts" because of this.  You don't hear someone say, "I almost beat cancer."  Or, "I almost didn't give birth to a stillborn."  Because these "almosts" of life cannot be controlled.  They are no one's fault, they are usually tragedies that are unfair and random and without explanation or logic. 

And because you can't really undo an almost.  You can't come back to life, you can't go back seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, whatever it takes to turn the almost into an actuality. 

Which is why I try to enjoy every moment I can and smile even when it seems I have no reason.  Because I know that somewhere out there, someone is dealing with an almost that is unbearable.  I've got no right to complain.  I'm going to do what I can while I can.

I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 80 saying things like,

"I almost had a water balloon fight with my kids once."

or

"I almost saw a shooting star with my husband one night."

or

"I almost wrote a book."

or

"I almost lived a full fun loving life."

In my life, in my opinion, almost is just sad and empty and not darn good enough when it comes to things I can control.  I know there is bad in this world, and tragic things happen to good people every day, and if you ask them if almost counts, I don't think they'd say yes.  I think they would tell you that they would give anything to not have to deal with almost.  Nobody goes that far, gets that close, to just throw it away intentionally.  Doing that with my time and my life would be even worse. 

I refuse to almost live, almost love, almost laugh.